I stopped today, found myself gazing at my own self in the mirror and felt so disappointed. Skinny yet grown pale, time has changed so many things. Time has made me realized of what I always missed. I never made this guy that I can see in the mirror, happy. Out of all the worldly distractions surrounding me, this guy vanished from my sight I guess. I see a little kid behind that image, from my childhood. This kid looks at me strangely, with such disappointment in his eyes as if he never wanted me to be the way I am today. Maybe?
Suddenly my mind took me to places where I have been so reckless to my body showing no mercy or love to my old self. Did this body ever ask for it? Did it need any care or love like I had given to other things that don’t exist anymore in my life. I see my glimpse and my dad in front of same mirror 4 years back. Remembering how pumped up I was in front of the same mirror changing clothes, hanging onto dad’s back promising him to grow into a better individual. I failed him and many other people past few years along with the promises that were made.
And right now, as I look in the mirror all I see is a man who was lost somewhere, from imagining myself into a better grown individual to what I see now I feel shattered and full of guilt. What does it really take to bring that other guy whom I see in this mirror into this real world? Will I be satisfied then?
If I am not the guy who I was supposed to be after 4 years then maybe I have disappointed myself, I feel raged, frustrated and full of anger of what I have been doing to myself. When I get rattled, generally it’s by folks who:
• Blame others (and won’t change themselves)
• Judge & criticize (and won’t change themselves)
• Use anger & superiority to cover fear (and won’t change themselves)
When I close my eyes and analyze the things going on, these are the points that I come across often. Finding an alternative to set things right this mirror helps me analyze what’s wrong with everything. It makes me look back to the time I was defeated by my own self. I couldn’t find my direction. I was lost. Everyday I kept looking in the mirror and through it I delved in my past until one fine day I decided to let go. I couldn’t take this disappointment of what I wanted things to be and what they actually were now. It’s pointless If I let these years of my life go in vain.
I decided to turn this mirror into a window. A final escape from my old self. For one last time, I looked in the mirror. What I could finally see was the ten year old, tenacious ambitious and loving boy who wanted things his way, the best way. I could see him through it and then I made an escape. I turned that very same mirror into window. An escapade from what circumstances had made me to someone who I actually wanted to be. I promised myself.